Celebrate silence

There have been several periods in my life where I've had the answer, "Wait." During some of those times, I felt as if God had been silent. Was He really silent? Or was this just my lack of patience getting the better of me and my child-like way demanding an answer? 

As I look back on waiting and perceived silence, I also realize that I have adopted that pattern of waiting and silence too. Sometimes it is good to be silent, to quiet ourselves and reflect on our actions or have a word to speak that is from a place of love, not anger. Hmmmm...maybe there is a reason He has given me the silent treatment and it's for my benefit out of love even when I have totally messed up and don't deserve it.  

The other thing I've learned about waiting is that I need to stop waiting on other people. It is not their job to lead me, it is my job to lead me. Yes, others can mentor and pour into me. However, if I am yearning for something or needing something, I need to also be a leader and step out in boldness to do so. (I feel another blog post stirring in me just about this topic). 

In a culture that is always looking for instant gratification and demanding answers we fail to see that there is a time and a place for quieting ourselves. Think about it; as infants and toddlers we took naps. Young children need quiet time. Come on moms, how many of you out there are shaking your head saying, "Yup, I still give my kids quiet time, because I NEED the quiet time." Guess what? It's okay. I honestly think it would behoove us all to have quiet time, daily. I'm not talking 5, 10 or even 15 minutes. I mean real time where we shut out the noise and get focused. 

Our bodies crave rest and yet often rest is the first thing we toss out the window. I know, I've been there. I think I can keep pushing through until my body tells me otherwise. It has taken me a long time to value the silence. Silence is good, it gives us space to lean in and listen to what is being revealed to us. Silence gives us a completely different type of lesson and one that can be very positive, if we allow it. Go ahead, quiet yourself, you might just find that pausing for longer than a split second may give yield to a centered and calm you to move forward. 

On the brink of a new chapter

When you're in the throws of parenting, you get so involved in all that is required and needed from you that you sometimes ask, "Will we ever get through ________ stage?" And then...it happens. You get through whatever stage you were in and you move onto the next one all for the cycle to repeat itself. There is an ugly truth to this cycle that no one quite ever tells you you're ready for. Way back in the corner of your mind you wonder, "Are they ready? Have I prepared them enough?" You hope, you pray and then send your child on their way.

You see, my oldest recently turned 18 in December. I love seeing his excitement as he experiences his last Homecoming, last fall play, last Theater Fest...you get the drift. I find myself crying at the drop of a hat when the oldest child on a Disney show leaves the family to embark on adulthood or some other random commercial makes me weepy. All to which my kids just shake their heads at me as if to say, "There she goes again."

This child, man-child, has captured my heart from the minute I knew of his existence through all of the woes and joys of parenting. The thought of my little boy leaving makes me ache inside. There are glimmers all the time that he is ready to be on his own. Today was one of those days.

Our family decided to attend a new church this morning. It was hard to do after being at the same church for 15 years. Our oldest said, "No, I'm not going with you guys to church today. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, but I only have a few months left at home and I am connected to this church. I want to finish here before I leave." Stunned? Yes. Reassured...resoundingly yes! We have prayed for nothing more for our children to CHOOSE their faith and make it their own. Big A is honing in on what "feeds" him spiritually. It's okay, I have to let go and trust that as parents, we've done everything we can to guide him. At some point, our children have to take over and navigate these decisions without us.

There are three beautiful souls who still need my in house parenting and I still have ten years before our nest is completely empty, I know that in a few short months, having all four of my babes under the roof simultaneously is coming to an end for this chapter. I am going to savor each moment of togetherness. We are on the brink of a new chapter for our family. New beginnings are not bad, they are filled with steps of bravery. New chapter, new story... I will have faith to embrace this new chapter and move forward.

Signs are everywhere

Sometimes in life when you have been in a period of waiting, you begin to wonder if God is really listening to you. I've discovered over the years that He has three answers: yes, no and wait. The waiting is what kills me. My mother will tell you she used to pray for patience for me when I was a child. During   
my hubby's deployments I used to tell my mom to stop praying for patience. Here's the thing, I just want to know what direction I am supposed to take, NOW! 

I've taken some time to reflect on some unsettling things in my life that are stirring me into a different place. I know now that I have been unsettled because of two reasons: 

                  1) God is leading me in a different direction.
                  2) I have not been listening. (***Ouch)

Let's start with the second one: not listening. Wow, who do I think I am? I get so annoyed when my students and my children do not listen to me. Yet here I am, doing just that and ignoring my Heavenly Father. You see, I have had some nudges along the way that He is speaking, leading and guiding me. However, I've been too wrapped up in my own challenges with blinders on that I have forgotten to stop and hone in the patterns or message being revealed to me. 

Signs are everywhere right now in many different ways. Below are some signs that have hit me like a ton of bricks this last weekend. 
      *Making a flight during an ice storm.
      *Various songs playing at different times and all with the same message.
       (Brave by Sara Bareilles, Fearless by Jasmine Murray, Overcomer by Mandissa, This is Me by Keala Settle & cast from  
           The Greatest Showman, and It is Well by Bethel Music are just a few songs that have "spoken" to me.)
     *Public speakers 
     *Sermons
     *Scriptures: Jer. 29:11, Isaiah 54:2-3, Joshua 1:9
     *Spending time with my aunt.
     *Heartfelt chat with my mom.
     *My husband's uncanny way of just keeping things "black & white.'
     *Encouragement from my doctor.
     *Reconnecting with some high school friends.
     *A student walking in with a shirt on that has my three words for 2018: 
           Brave, Bold, Fearless

While I'm not quite ready to reveal all of how I feel I'm being led onto a different path and what that means, one thing I know, is that I feel renewed. I feel lighter, stronger, freer, wiser and BRAVE. I have faith that will fuel me to move forward. 

Word of the year...

Last week I was feeling under the weather. Having way too much time on my hands as I was trying to listen to my body and rest, I got sucked into the vortex of Facebook. I think I completed more Nametests, We Are Tests and all other kinds of FB “quizzes” than one should complete in a year. Hello 2018. One of the tests was a Word of the Year test from Dayspring. The result? B-R-A-V-E.

Huh. Brave.

One word, shot at me like an arrow released from the bow of a hunter aiming for its prey.

Sometimes when I’m struggling I just put on that mask. Make everything appear to be okay, when in fact, I’m really wrestling with some things. Last summer I got to experience that bravery for a season when I claimed the word FEARLESS to be my anthem. And ya know, when I got out of my own head, I saw what good can really come from being outside of my comfort zone.

Brave seems fitting. I feel a change coming and don’t know exactly what that looks like or how it’s going to happen. On the horizon I can see it and I don’t want “it” to be an allusive oasis. I need to claim brave to be bold and move in a direction that feels right.

As I sit in an airport terminal getting ready to board the airplane I know just how at this moment I need to be brave. Truth be told, flying is not my favorite thing to do. Yet here I am, alone, flying. I can do this. I will do this. Although Lord have mercy that no turbulence happens or the strangers next to me may find me clinging to them for dear life. I am brave.

Here I go, one BRAVE step at a time, focusing on fueling forward.

Back to Basics

Do you ever get that muddled feeling deep in your core and wonder, "How the heck did this happen?" No, I'm not talking about indigestion. You know what I mean; you have added so many things into your life that you begin to forget why you added the X, Y, and Z in the first place.

I am there. 

My friend, I know you feel that muddled pit in your stomach too. Let me tell you, you are not alone. 

It's time to get back to the basics. 

Discover the true joys in life that nourish you, heal you, fuel you...forward. 

Holding onto the past, no matter what it is: a toxic relationship, unsatisfying job, health issues isn't going to move you forward. Sure, you can take care of everyone else instead of yourself to avoid what's really going on and I've been there too. In the end all you feel is stressed out, burned out and so far from the person you once were or thought you were aiming to be in the process. For me personally, it's led to some challenges with my health in the form of autoimmune disease and inflammation (more on those later) that has me saying, "Um, no, you are NOT welcome here; it's time to get ME back." 

This blog is for me as much as it is for you. I have spent some time wondering what my purpose is and I am determined to blog and keep this journal as evidence of He who is going before me to do the work. 

One step at a time, I'm focusing on fueling forward. 

Amy